Time to Be Offended.

Okay everyone. This is me being nervous that you're all going to be furious because I'm going to tell all you weirdo Mormons to stop doing some stuff. That's fine, it's your right, but it still makes me all scared. If you're not LDS you are of course welcome - and encouraged - to read, but it might not make a lot of sense to you.

It's time for me to make a PSA about Mormon culture. There are a few things ... No, a lot of things that can be knocked the heck off. I'm not going to delve super deep here, because it's a huge subject to cover, but I will touch on a few of my most favorite oddities.

First, all my fellow peculiar people, let's make sure we understand that the Gospel and LDS culture are two very different things. The Gospel is what we study and try to live. It is found in our scripture, and what we believe to have been revealed by prophets. LDS culture is a bunch of stuff that has just been passed down from generation to generation that has little to no basis in doctrine at all, but someone once decided they liked it, so we all said, "Ooh, yeah! Cool!" And then ran with it.

I'm going to upset every single mother out there by saying stop celebrating Mother's Day at church. The same goes for Father's Day. There is no need for it. For the women and men who have kids , they'll most likely make you little trinkets and do the breakfast in bed thing, so you're good. For the women and men who don't have kids but want them, it's just a reminder of their struggles. It makes sense to celebrate Christmas and Easter in church. Not so much Mother's Day and Father's Day.

Next, can we have a talk about modesty? It is not the way you dress. Yes, I understand that the way you choose to dress is part of it, but the clothing you choose to put on your body should be an outward expression of your personal modesty. Please stop telling girls that they need to cover themselves because "modest is hottest" unless you mean that "modesty in your behavior is a good and pleasant personal quality." Also, modesty does apply to our menfolk too.

Speaking of our menfolk (buckle in guys, this is where I get super cranky), the priesthood is not the men. It just isn't. It is not a giant men's club. If you are referring to the men of the church in any way, please say, "the men." Do not say, "the priesthood." Yes, the men in our church are currently the ones who hold the priesthood. I take no issue with that. I am not interested in that responsibility. What I do take issue with - in a massive way - is the continued implication that the priesthood is only for the men. It applies to everyone. The priesthood affects everyone. I don't just mean everyone in our church. I mean literally everyone. It is the power of God on earth, and yes, men are the ones God has chosen to bear that, but they use it for EVERYONE. This being the case, I was just slightly offended (hahahaha!!! slightly!) that LDS people we know were baffled when my husband asked why the restoration of the priesthood was only being recognized by the men in our ward. They are having a camp out. For the priesthood. Meaning the men. Stop it. And women, if I hear another one of you say, "Men have the priesthood because women can have children," I may scream. You are demeaning both fatherhood and women who are unable to bear children. Knock it off.

Okay, there are literally dozens of other weird Mormon behaviors and myths that I could go into, but I won't. I'm sure this was enough to upset and offend plenty of people. Please just don't hate me too much.

The New Miracle Food!

You know how sometimes you think, "Oh, I wanted to check out the trailer for that new movie," so you go on YouTube and then 1.5 hours later you find yourself glued to your computer screen as the baffling end of the internet approaches? Mealworms for food, guys. And you can grow them on your own countertop! What a time we live in!

I have a number of questions about this. First, is this really a thing? Do people - I mean people in developed countries - intentionally grow their own bugs to eat? Second, why would you ever want to? I've eaten bugs. It was a fun, novel experience. I cannot imagine repeating that on a daily basis. Third, how does one prepare mealworms? Do you just eat them raw? Are they served chilled on a lettuce leaf? Do you grind them up and make patties out of them?

Thanks to the miracle of the internet, I can answer all of those questions! Yes. This is a real thing. People do actually choose to eat insects in a movement called Entomophagy. It seems there are a number of people who are uncomfortable with how animals are slaughtered for food (a completely understandable position) and therefore decide to get their protein from bugs (a somewhat less understandable position). One blog I checked gave instructions on how to prepare your mealworms, and indicated that although we aren't sure if insects feel pain we should treat them as if they do. Therefore, freezing them to death is the best way to ensure they are ready for the table.

Having verified that mealworm ingestion happens in real life, and gaining some insight as to why people might choose to do that, I decided to search for mealworm recipes. The odd thing here was that although there are many sites that explain how to make your own mealworm farm, leading me to imagine there were some ways to prepare and eat large quantities of mealworms, I've really only been able to find "snack" type recipes like "Mealworms with Garlic and Chilli in Butter," and "Dry Roasted Mealworms." Others suggest dipping them in chocolate or sprinkling them on soup.

I dunno, Entomophagists. A home mealworm "farm" or "hive" seems kind of a waste of counter space. Let me know when you've found a way for me to make these little critters a main dish, and maybe we can talk. Probably not though. Because gross, dude.

There are rules, people. Can we just... ugh.

I've blogged a bit about livestock and transportation.  That's weird.  But here I go again, blogging about cows on the train.  No, not really.

I took the Salt Lake Express up to Blackfoot, Idaho this weekend for a baby blessing and to retrieve my family.  I never mind paying someone else to drive, it's a great opportunity to relax.  This trip wasn't much different.  Except for the young BYU-Idaho student who thought it would be appropriate to air jam her entire playlist, exaggerated lip syncing and all. For. The. Entire. Trip.  From the Salt Lake airport until Blackfoot, Idaho and beyond.

My older sister wisely suggested I engage in a lip sync battle, channeling my inner squad girl with Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off".  No joy.  The routine I had perfected failed to throw her off her groove. The only viable option was to wait for the opportune moment, open the back door to the passenger van, and bail.  I was preparing my exit and a thought occurred to me.  Why should I be the one to leave?  She's the one who broke the rules of normal social behavior, not me.  She should be the one to bail.

I hope she landed on a soft patch of sage brush...

Show and Tell... and DEATH

We took the dog for a walk. We found a door. I have no background for this, and I'm not sure I want any.

No One Else Was Laughing and I Don't Know Why

    Our family are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  We're Mormons.  Don't panic, I'm not going to preach Mormonism.  I'm going to make fun of it.

    For a day, I'd love to be an outsider looking into the odd phenomenon made up of green jello, funeral potatoes, and gnarly casseroles.  Any Mormon reader of this blog has got to admit we do some weird crap.  A sterling example, our stake (a group of around 10 local congregations) has appointed several members from each ward/congregation to the Stake Arts Council.  This is a beautiful thing, and normally not at all weird.  The announcement was made that the Arts Council would like enough participants to form a children's choir and a women's choir.  Ignoring the fact that children singing don't always sound like angels, this is very lovely.

    Where's the weird? A STAKE SHADOW PUPPET SHOW!  When I first heard the announcement I looked around to see if anyone else was laughing because, honestly, STAKE SHADOW PUPPET SHOW.  That alone is weird.  Would you like me to add to the weirdness?  Okay, take this:  no one else was laughing.  Maybe I'm the weird one for laughing.  Maybe I'm not in the know.  Maybe there's a Stake Shadow Puppet Show every Tuesday and this is no big thing.  Honestly, why would this be weird to anyone else?  Silly, silly me.

    My little sister has coined a phrase to show her bemused exasperation with Mormon weirdness:  Mormons gotta morm, yo.  Golly, sometimes I wish they wouldn't.

Are You Concerned For Your Pet's Soul?

Once upon a time, I was scanning Facebook when something caught my eye. It was a funny picture of a puppy wearing a scarf that said something like, "This is why we can't have nice things." Dog shaming is a silly trend. It seems kind of pointless, and only marginally amusing, but I've never felt upset or offended by it.

This Facebook user, however, was deeply and personally hurt by this photograph. It cut her to the core. How dare a pet owner treat their furbaby so cruelly? She invited the original poster to reflect on the intent of "dog shaming." Then she went further and pointed out that you wouldn't treat your children this way. Up till this point I was mostly amused by her ire. The post was weird and convoluted, but still kind of funny. And then it took a turn, and I felt like I had slipped down the rabbit hole.

She insisted that the dog owner pray for her pet, and tell it about Jesus. And then... then, dear reader, she explained that she reads the Bible to her cats every night, and confided that it "does make a difference."

I had to take a step back and examine my life. I currently have both a dog and a cat. We had a dog when we were growing up. I've owned many different kinds of rodents. Have I failed them all by not preaching the good word unto them? Would my hamster have been happier if we had a little baptism ceremony, giving him the chance to accept the gospel?

-Prepare for Sunday School-

No. Baptism symbolizes a "death" of sin in our life, and a "rebirth" in Christ. Since animals don't sin, they have no need of baptism. I'm not here to make any statements about whether or not our pets will be with us in the next life, but I can tell you for sure that they do not need baptism.

Having said this, I'm still willing to try reading scriptures with my cat. I'm pretty sure she'd be open to it. She's a very broad-minded animal, so I bet she'll have a lot to add to the discussion.

So We Were Studying The Revolution...

This year in school we are studying early American history, and after reading about the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, the kids decided it was time to create their own countries. To my daughters, this mean play "revolution" with their toys, discuss the name of their country, and maybe come up with a national animal.

And then there's my son.

At age 10 he has declared his bedroom an independent nation. I will share his founding documents with you.

"We the people hereby declare our independence from the USA. We will remain independent for all ever. We will be happy on our own."

This was my favorite, though.

"We, the people, will be:
Free, independent, awesome, da best, momentarily confused, dairy-full, meat-full, mostly cheerful, usually peaceful, ready to fight, willing to join forces with almost any country of one mind, supportive of Minecraft, and eating doughnuts sometimes."

I'm proud to be the mother of the leader of da best, mostly cheerful, eating doughnuts sometimes country.